When the door opened, Sparky was out like a shot. He ran right up to the mailman and bit him on the calf. The mailman pulled his leg from sparky's mouth ripping his skin open just a little. Put that mutt to sleep, said the mailman whining. I told you before, I said, he bites anyone in a uniform, don't walk into my yard if you don't want to get bit. I'm gonna sue, he said, you and the post office. I'm tired of this shit. Every day I go out to work and try to make a living, I mean really , just trying to get ahead, and pay my bills, and this is the shit I get. No more, I quit. Take your mail and shove it up your ass. You customers are a pain in the ass. Always complaining your mail got lost, or was late , or god forbid, it got wet when it was raining cats and dogs outside. My fault. Always my fault. Bullshit to you all. I'm done. Fuck you I said to the mailman. I go through the same shit everyday in my job too. Stop crying you pussy. Everyone works hard to survive, I told him. It's not just you. It sucks for more people, than anyone will admit. The rich have taken control, over the entire Eco/political, and legal systems, on our planet. Deal with it man. Until people wake up and see the ensuing financial slavery they are being led into, all our lives will suck. A dog bite is the least of our problems. Your fucking dog bit me asshole. Deal with that. I'll sue, and never work again. If you want to sue I said to the mailman, why not sue just the government, and leave me out of it. I'm just a working slob like you. I have an Idea I said. Beat the shit out of me and we can both sue the government. This guy was quick. He had me on the ground with broken ribs, a broken jaw and a fractured cheek bone, before I could blink. He smiled and asked me who should call the police. I should, I'm the homeowner I told him. You beat me up. I dialed 911 and told them that my mail carrier was going postal. They wanted me to stay on the line but I hung up. Let them figure out what went on, and when. After I hung up the phone, the mailman said to me, after this is all over, we should get together for a drink. Ok I said, sounds like a plan. We both laughed. Retirement at last, for us both he bantered. Thank god I said. I have gotten really tired these last few years. I figured I'd die on the job. Me to said the mailman, but I think you and I have found the way out. The first police vehicle pulled in. You a jerk off, I began yelling at him. Screw you and your dog he screamed. I went after him with my fists and the cop grabbed me and the other cop grabbed him as he came at me. Settle down said the cop. But his fucking dog bit me, look. Fuck you I yelled again as I tried to break free going after him. The cops held us both tight. That was good, cause he already kicked my ass good and I was hurting. It was a good kind of hurting though. I was gonna sue the Government and retire after all. So was the mailman. Maybe it was a good thing we never became friends until now. Suddenly, my wife drives slowly past the house. She looked like a criminal casing out her next job. Two cop cars, four cops and a mailman. I could't believe it, when she kept driving. Here I was all beat up, and setting up our retirement, and she drove right past our home and down the street. Ya know looking back on it all, that mailman was a really fast thinker. As soon as I spoke about us both suing, he reacted. It was as if we had planned the whole thing out. Maybe it was just an answer to prayer. I watched as my wife circled the block and passed the house again. No one paid her any attention. The focus was on the two lunatics, cursing and trying to kill each other. We both were arrested, handcuffed and thrown into separate cars. One of the cops radioed the station and asked them to call the local post office and send an employee to retrieve the mail truck. Mail, being a federal entity, cannot be left unattended. Another mail truck was here within a few minutes. There were two mail carriers on board. One jumped out and walked over to the police car. They made him sign a release. After he signed for the vehicle, the police cars with me and the mailman inside, proceeded to leave. My wife passed us as we left. I looked back and saw her pull into our driveway. I lost sight of her as we dipped over the top of the hill. I wondered why she had driven past and not stopped to see what was happening. It was not like her to avoid action. She is of the nosy sort. What happened asked one of the cops? I sat quiet. I wasn't sure what to say. I needed time to think. What was the postman gonna say? Was he serious about us both suing? I decided to go for it. I told the cop that my dog sparky bit the guy, and the mailman just snapped. I decided it best to keep it short and sweet. That way my story would remain the same and be easy to remember. I was a little nervous at first lying, but the though of actually getting to retire made it all seem a little less wrong. I mean after all, I have worked for almost fifty years now, and have no retirement. Some folks think people with no retirement plans are just lazy and stupid. The fact is, the majority of employers do not offer a retirement package, nor will they pay a person enough to live, no less save for retirement. I sat in the back seat handcuffed, with my face pressed against the window, not believing I was doing this. I hope the mailman comes through on this, I thought. He did seem sincere, and we both were smiling there for a few minutes. I can trust him I thought, after all, he is a federal employee.