A sign of love Just like a caught fish lying on the dock, or on the floor in the boat, gasping for that big gulp of water to survive, I watched her, gasp after gasp, as she struggled to bring air into her lungs. Then suddenly there was silence. A quiet came over me like I had never felt before. Her eyes closed and her chest became still. The grip of her hand in mine fell limp, and it was over. I sat there waiting, for what I am not sure. Maybe I thought I would see or feel her spirit, that part of her that had love and breath and had thoughts, and made sound, lift from her body and rise to the heavens, but there was nothing. Tears began to fill my tired old eyes. I had known for a long time it was coming, but still, it happened in the twinkling of an eye. One minute she was here with me, and the next she was gone. Years ago, when we had first met, we were young and vibrant. Nothing could stop us. We had energy and strength, and we were unstoppable. Nothing or no one could tear us apart, but this thing called death did, and it was too much for me to bear or truly understand. Sure we had our problems and disagreements like everyone else, hell, we even had some real knock down and drawn out fights, but we also had love. No matter what happened, we eventually made up and held each other tight again. I remember once, a long time ago, we went through a hard marital time that lasted a few years, but somehow we fought and endured our way through. We had just had our sixth child and I was working 20 hours a day just to survive. Rent was always late, food sometime scarce, no health coverage, and sometimes driving the car with no insurance. I did every thing I could to keep us afloat, but we were always at the point of financially going under. Everytime we thought we were getting our chins above water, some catastrophy or another, would swallow up that little extra, and send us spiraling down the well again. So day after day and hour after hour, I worked, and my bride stayed home and took care of our home and our children. Truly a job in itself. We were both inundated and overwhelmed with our jobs. We were alone and lonely, with no one else to help. Of coarse at the time we didn't realize that. Instead we were angry at each other for not helping out. In reality, I was ok, but she was far more overwhelmed than I was and resented me to no end. Whenever I had a day off, which was hardly ever, I would take the kids out to give her a break, and them a break too. Even then, she got angry that I took them out and not her. I told her she should go out, and I would stay home with the kids, but that was not good enough either. I know now that what she needed was time away from the kids and housework, but not alone. She needed to be together with me. But back then there was no one to help out, and being broke, well what could we do? There was no money for a trip, or even a night out to be honest, but if I could have a do over, I would take her out and just let the bills fall further behind. Our relationship should have come before the bills, but who knew. Food and a roof seemed to be my first priority, maybe right, maybe wrong, but that is where we were. When the baby turned two years old, I was still always working. The kids suffered too by never seeing me. I started to do more with the family. When I had no work, we would go camping or maybe take old inner tubes down the river. They were the cheapest things we could do. Let me be honest here, these times were the best. The memories created will last forever. But for the most part, it was always work. Slowly my wife and I were drifting apart. She needed company and help, and I had to work to feed us all. Again, I chose that as my priority, without realizing she needed me, more than the bills needed to be paid. I was not inconsiderate, just blinded by life circumstance. She began to not come with the kids and I on our ocaisional excursions. She just wanted to stay home and have time to herself. It was empty without her, but if that is what she wanted and needed, then it was okay by me. Me and the kids still had fun. For years, our only intimate time was in the wee hours of the morning, after I got home, and before I left again for work. Things began to change even more. I would try, but intimacy was not on her mind. Not with me anyway. New neighbors moved in across the street. A nice couple for the most part. They were around her age, five years younger than me. They were just getting married and starting out. Very quickly they became pregnant and had their first child. A girl. My wife baby sat for the extra money while they worked. Most of ours were in school, and I guess it was good to have a playmate for our youngest, and some extra money. It seemed to make her feel better. One day, I was finished work very early, and came home. That was something very rare for me. When I pulled down the street, the kids were all outside playing in the front yard and in the street. Our road was quiet back then with few cars, unlike now. Anyway, the neighbor guy was standing in the road next to my wife, while the kids played. I remember he had a red solo cup in his hand. Apparently, he would always come home early, smoke pot, grab a drink, and head to our house to get his kid. They would talk and hang out until just before his wife got home. I was always late late. When I was home to watch the kids, she began taking walks around the neighborhood. We lived in a fairly rural area with lots of woods. It was early afternoon one warm spring day, when I saw the guy neighbor leave his house just after my wife left for her walk. That horrible feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew we were in a rough spot, but never did I imagine this. After she came home, I watched the window. Five minutes later, yea you guessed it, he got home. I didn't say a word, I just waited hoping I was wrong. It wasn't long before my suspicions were confirmed. If was as if they didn't even care to hide it. When I finally asked her about what was going on, she said I was crazy. For years, she cheated. I was aware, but we had six children to care for and there was no way we could survive if I did not continue to work. At this point the kids became my number one priority. I worked and got home earlier as much as possible. I took them camping and down the river more to free them from what even they knew to be true. Our oldest was now about 18 and left home to be on his own. This was killing my kids inside. My girls, both stopped coming camping. They said they no longer liked it, but later in life admitted that they were staying home to be a thorn in their mothers extra curricular activities. I love them so much for the sacrifices they made. My oldest, started with the drugs. It is amazingly horrible to see how a parents infidelity can destroy so many lives. By staying in this marriage, and remaining faithful to my vows, and to my role as a husband and father, all our kids made it and turned our wonderful. One Sunday morning some years ago, she came to me and said she was sorry. She spilled her guts completely. Our youngest was just seventeen and I had planned in my heart to leave her after he was eighteen or out on his own, whichever came first. My heart was bitter and cold toward her. It felt good that she came clean, and only time would tell if in my heart and soul I could forgive her. Eighteen came and went. Two years later, our youngest moved out on his own. Was I gonna leave her now like I planned, or had my heart already began to heal? With the nest now empty it was just her and me. We both worked now and only saw each other at night, and on days off. I always wanted her to make amends somehow. To pay a price of some kind for all the pain and anguish she caused. But It never really came. Not in a way I saw anyway. We slowly began to talk more, but not about anything in depth or of any real relationship value. But still we began to become friends again. She wanted more, but I couldn't. My heart had not forgiven her for her prolonged indiscretion. I was trying. I'm not sure if I was unforgiving, or if it was just that I couldn't forget. Life circumstance put two of the children back home for a while. It was nice to have them around as sometimes it got lonely. With the kids and a grandkid in the house, it was more like we were beginning over. We got to help raise the kid which brought us together even more. Hey, we still argued on occasion, but nowhere like earlier in life. Day by day we tolerated each other and the things we still did not like in each other. Stupid things like her smoking, or me drinking beer. As time passed we both let go of that stuff and finally accepted each other for who we were. It took a lifetime. Time together became more frequent. Our chins were just above the edge of the well, and nothing drastic pulled us under. We became best friends again. Maybe for the first time ever. We thought about each other. If I cooked something, I would ask her if she wanted some and visa versa. We began to take some interest in each others likes. We watched the same tv shows, she's a reader so I got her books. Some she read and others she gave away. One morning when I woke up, she was out working in my garden. She weeded the entire asparagus bed. She helps feed the chickens and ducks, and always close the coop at night. I guess amends come in every aspect of life. Seen or unseen. It took me all the way until now to realize that love takes work. Work of a lifetime. Body builders have that saying, no pain, no gain. If weight lifters quit lifting because their muscles hurt, they would never achieve that great body. The same it is with love. If you quit when in pain, you never find that deep true love we all long for. We have all heard that love is worth fighting for. Most of the time that fight is against the pain we endure in life. I am glad to have found love. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. We used to set out the cups and plates for breakfast, but now the table for two is set in my heart. You can eat here anytime. I never told you, but everything I write, is for you. You are my one and only. Forgive me, for taking so long to forgive you. I miss you and will be home soon. I love you I have to plant the corn today, maybe I'll see you in the garden one more time. I don't know about you, but I am always looking for signs. After writing this today, I took a shower before going out to plant. Walking through the living room past your chair where you always read your books, I stepped in something wet. I kinda jumped away surprised and looked down at the rug. There amidst the other dirty spots, yes my love I know it needs cleaning, was this. Apparently the dog spit up and this is what was left. Are you telling me you love me? I took this picture to share your love from beyond with everyone so they know that love lasts forever, even after we go home. I love you too. Always!